Pain

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Pain death defiance fear love hate tears love fear want need desire desperation i can’t think of what to say or what to do my mind is whirling and I’m lost in a world of fear n hate I am confused as hell I can’t see a way out I need love and yet I hate it I hate all those you love me despise those who desire me my mind is not sound I want to scream I want to run away to a dark forest and cry and be free from all this shit I feel my dad is trapping me this feels like hell worse than hell I feel I can’t breathe I want to run..run as fast as my legs can carry me away to beautiful freedom I want music to fill my lonely desperate hurt soul I want beauty to surround my every waking moment yet what is around me is all ugly I try to see if I can look at it in another way that will make it beautiful to my eyes but I just don’t have the strength to figure out I want to kill myself shoot myself in my head I don’t like people telling me I’m fucked up its at moments like this that I feel so vulnerable that I’ll break into two because I’m nothing like the responsible steady person I’m trying so hard to be I’m as volatile as water there’s so much pain inside but I’ve barred it locked it up from all prying eyes even from myself otherwise I’ll break into two I want to die I want to die life is so beautiful but with all these trappings in it in want to die my life is hell I want a new one free from all moral judgement that I’m trying so hard to fit in. if u put water in a mould it will evaporate should I then die? I’m so scared will anyone understand that I’m not crazy? I just want to be…to love to be able to trust but how can I do that with so many fingers pointed at me all the time? I want out. Help me I’m screaming from my soul why have you bound me so tight? Why can’t you let me go? What have I done? Why am I destined to spread so much pain when all I want to give out is love? Why the hell am I going through this? For what fault of mine? How can I set my soul free from this ugly restrictive world? I want to leave I want to spread my wings and fly. I want to be beautiful and truly feel that I can be loved.

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